The Lambada

30 Aug

At work the Polish girls were talking about pop music they heard on the radio in the mid-eighties, Modern Talking’s Brother Louie, the big hair and camp Euro-pop, then Monika mentioned The Lambada, the mere mention of the song title send a shudder through me.


I would have been 17 I think when the Lambada song and dance craze took off, so it would have been Christmas night 1987 and the whole family were down the local pub, The British Lion ( to my knowledge lions are not native to Britain but that’s another blog).


Towards the end of the night my mum’s friend, Gladys who must’ve been 50 if she was a day and to put it politely was pretty well oiled by 11pm, determinedly made her way over to me through the busy pub,

As the music started up she was hacking at the drunken revelers like a soldier in the jungle with a big knife to get to me.

She wanted me, a very shy and rather sober 17 year old (shocking, I know but I didn’t really drink then) to dance the Lambada with her.

I turned in horror to my mum, who handed me over to her like a sacrificial lamb.


“Have a dance with her, it’s Christmas”


For those that may not know, the Lambada was a Latin American dance of seduction that required very loose hips and hopefully a passion for the person you were dancing with, I had neither.


She thrust one of her legs between my legs grabbed me around the waist, to steady herself as much as anything I think, and then threw the top half of her body back, shimmying her shoulders and proceeded to writhe around bringing herself up to me and away from me, all the while wriggling her leg further between my legs until her mini-moo was wedged on my crotch – all the while I stood there rigid, horrified and praying for the song to be over, and trying to keep her tongue away from my ear.


Remember I was 17, she was at least 50, when after what felt like an eternity the song was finally over, she handed me back to my mum with the words I’ve never forgotten.


“it was like dancing with an ironing board”.


10 Responses to “The Lambada”

  1. vodkaangel22 August 30, 2013 at 10:07 am #

    Love this, not least because it reminds me of a similar situation involving unwanted attention from an elderly relative. Least said, soonest mended….

    • tony wood August 30, 2013 at 5:44 pm #

      oh you can tell all on Sunday … x

  2. tony wood August 30, 2013 at 10:24 am #

    17, nervous, shy and gay I might add

  3. Kitten In The City August 30, 2013 at 10:50 am #

    And they say it is nature not nurture? This is a turner for sure lol x

    • tony wood August 30, 2013 at 5:40 pm #

      Hopefully I’ve got the settings so comments don’t require approval : I’m all for free speech x

    • tony wood August 30, 2013 at 5:44 pm #

      I think I was already gay, this convinced me though

  4. Introspections of a displaced Boulevardier August 30, 2013 at 11:27 am #

    Maybe her moo was not so mini… 🙂

    • tony wood August 30, 2013 at 5:46 pm #

      I remember her handing me back to my mother with a withering look and those words, even if I was straight was she really expecting a 17 year old to join in and writhe with her?

      Maybe she’d watched The Graduate that evening?

      • pipkinera September 1, 2013 at 5:30 pm #

        Sounds more like she’d seen dirty dancing!

        You poor thing! It must have been really daunting!

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